Fights I likes!!

Fought with KD yesterday, appaled by his apathy to the way things are and how he thinks they'll never change. Shouted at himm, abused him, tried to use reason, logic and witticism ( if there was any left by that time).
Walked off in a huff , from an argument where he just wouldnt listen. And a minute later, was smiling to myself, alone.

I guess he's the only one with whom I can fight like this, and say " No hard feelings!!" and really mean it. :)

Msged him about an hour later. " people like me will make people like you believe".

He replied."Wouldnt have provoked you if i doubted that....".

:)

The Battle of Me's

I sometimes wonder about this lump in my throat .. the one that comes up for apparantly no obvious reason... when I eat alu gobi, when i see mum on skype , when i stand in a really quite gurdwara, when i meet an old friend from the time when i was carefree , when i finish a trek and stand on top of the peak, when i see an ocean , see an abandoned animal and walk away from it, when i look into the mirror and see my eyes. I guess its abt the options at every step in life and how i did not have the courage to take the right ones. How now i have conditioned myself to be grown up- a fake laugh around new people to make them comfortable and silence around ppl who are known and familiar . Just someone who is shut mouth in the face fo conflict.Probably scared. Probably too grown up.

I dont want that lump.But its obvious who'll win.

My baby...

Got a baby cat on Feb 12th. Wont call him a kitten, cos ..well.. he isnt that. He's an almost cat..with a character, with loads of affection, with a meow that oozes of love.

I'd seen him a week earlier at the Cupa shelter in Hebbal (thanks to Dee) and it was love at first meow. He answered back to every sweet nothing I threw him.He was definitely not the most beautiful cat there(a thin orange scrawny creature) , neither the most playful, nor the most healthy (he had a runny tummy and a fractured leg when i met him) but definitely the warmest. I thought of all the pro's and cons to haveing a pet, given my own irresponsible bachelor-dom oozing lifestyle. Thought for a week and by the end of it, Jalebi was nesting in my appt- a scared tiny fellow ,clinging to me and GM (his first play-buddy) for protection ,never wanting to be left for a minute.

Last month and half has been such an experience- Litter box poopy-training him and his first poop-accident,giving him a cruel bath ,getting him his first toys, clipping his nails,finding he was lactose intolerent, leaving him alone for the first time,finding his first vet and the best pet shop ever (glendal's), his first vaccination shots , his first Facebook Pics, his first fish, his first lizard, first cockroach and his first mouse that he proudly got home to show his momma, daily hours long playing sessions that'd tire out everyone but him, the first time he stayed out the night ( with me crying for him ..of cors!) and his daily sojourns thereon, his first enemy- the big gray cat that we faced together , the time he got a pack of dogs to follow him to our 2nd floor appt ( Im sure he's been acting too playful with them..),the time he hurt himself under the fridge perhaps,the time i was drunk and he'd not smell me cos of the stink just be around me, the smacks i give everytime he scratches me, the 15 min show of affection everyday i get home frm work, the sleeping off on my feet, my hand, my shoulder,my stomach,head ,just abt any thing so that he can feel me nearby (strangely, I cant sleep without him near me either).

Evryine thinks ive gon insane- talking abt him 24/7 ,shopping only for him, worrying when he's away for too long. Mum dad are not too happy abt this distraction as they call it.Di likes him, probably cos he talked to her over the fone. GM loves him almost as much as I do ( and i thought he was a dog person)and strangely, although Jalebi and him dont meet too frequently, after me i can safely say he's the most comfortabke with GM. Dhi says I'm ready for motherhood now and I secretly think dhi's jealous of the way jalebi and me talk to each other. She thinks that he's scared of her. He just takes his time ( and of cors some unintended accidents dont help).Btw a drunk Foxy boy saw him when he was a scrawny fellow chasing cockroaches and thats the image he carries everytime I talk abt him -wait till they meet again. And KD only talks to me in meow now- he thinks thats the only language i know now .
All i know is ,I tried real hard not to get attached to this guy cos ..well.. you shouldn't - A male cat will eventually leave you. But well, hard as I may have tried , i guess i failed.(happily)






One and a half months... n now...
everytime I see him jump out the window, walking into the big bad world full of Big Grey cats and packs of dogs , with a confident step and a barely discernable limp , I'm so proud of the almost cat my baby has become.

PS: Im glad i got him when i did , most cats died in the shelter 3 weeks later cos of some infection....

Missing....

There comes a time when you realise you want the quarels more than the peace and harmony... the argumenst more than the silent nods of understanding... the violent bursts of passionate anger more than the appeasement... the fight more than the compromise and sacrifice... the silent hidden tears more than the boisterious whole hearted laughter...

A moment of standstill...

These moments of standstill between the hours of eternal running about, trying to be on time, sometimes failing, faltering... keeping commitments.. prioritising.. trying to get somewhere.. or get away...
Moments visited once in a while.. cherished till they last...
Promising yourself you'l get it all sorted out .. think over it all when these moments come.. if they do..
Once they come.. not wanting to move yourself to such monumental talk.. put it off.. over refrains of any "sunny came home.." .. put it off for a later, more suitable time..

Next time when I am rushing to or away ... will remind myself there's someone .. sitting in the corner chair of a cafe.. looking at me.. thinking of all this..

Trade off....

I wonder if it'd be better to be aware of the gnawing emptyness..intelligent awareness of the futility of it all.. the knwledge that the past and the future are nothing but probably just solitude... all throbbing with the same pain and hope.. of a release... or a possible combat..for some...

Or is it better to be blissfully ignorant..finding happiness in the mundane...breaking out into a smile with a fall of an autumn leaf... but not without fallouts... of being thought of as a fool..hearing sniggers behind the back... not just a figment of imagination... knowing.. the insulting looks in other's eyes... and being painfully aware of them..

I wonder about those who are neither of these.. truly blissfull... practicality they call..

and then the fate of those people... who are both... aware... and happy...
with every speck of it tainted...terribly so...

Washing Elephants....

“ what is it that you'd really really like to do in life….?”
“ Wash elephants…”
An Incredulous look washes over KD’s face…
A minute’s silence…and half a sutta later...
“ That’s in some metaphorical context.. I’m sure… just trying to figure out what that really means…”
“ No honestly…. That’s what I WANT to do… if only it could pay me enough… I’d leave this job and go straight to doing that….”
The look of incredulity is still there…
“ What exactly do you mean… Washing elephants…”
“ you know… Big Dusty elephants… take them to the river edge or a pond and .. well… wash them…”
And I tell him about how utterly blissful they look when they are getting bathed…. How they close their eyes while you scrub them down… how those big gentle creatures totally submit to you.. as if you are all they think exist at that moment…( not unlike the pedicure- manicure sessions kind of bliss…) and how the small baby elephants think its just a game… you clean them.. they run off to the bank of the river… roll in the mud .. and then run into the water again… just to go back to the muddy bank… over and over again… its fascinating really..
He's smiling and thinking i guess....

Back to the cubby seat in the office bay…my inbox pings after ten mins...
And this is wat KD had to say …..
“
"I like washing elephants"!
Well I must say I could never learn to wash elephants, somehow it is quite difficult when you are an elephant yourself. This statement could be a real mover at least when it comes from someone who really knows how to 'wash elephants'.
I am somehwat of an elephant myself and we all are some elephants of our own self-assumed size and proportion. Now, elephants are a weird bunch. They live in herds and take much space, have an enormous appetite for everything they can wrap and grab, and think absolutely linear. Elephants do very good in show business and dont think much of the lesser privileged lot. Perhaps, they dont think at all.
I believe science of washing elephant requires tremendous patience of a kind. Here is a short guide to washing elephants, I learnt from someone I happened to know. Please be warned, we will be washing one elephant at a time.
The first job is to sweep the barn out before preparing a hearty breakfast for all the elephants. A breakfast is very important for elephants.After breakfast it's time to wash behind their ears! Being such large animals it takes quite a long time to wash each elephant but we need to routine down to a fine art. First the elephant is sprayed with a jet hose before they lay down on one side.A jet hose could have a breaking effect on the elephant when he is isn't expecting at all.Using a wire brush and soapy water we scrub from top to toe making sure we don't miss any areas. With one side scrubbed and rinsed, the elephant stands up and then lays down ready for the other side to be cleaned.This could be sometimes hard on the washer but it's a well done job if the washer knows the elephant closely,rather intimately.
Washing the elephants also reinforces the bonds that we have with each of the elephants, they understand that we put a lot of time and effort into looking after them and in turn we have developed strong relationships with each of them.Once the elephants are washed, they must be fed. It is extremely important to keep feeding them (with ideas) during intervals of washing.We will have to wash the elephant's feet to make sure they are clean and free from any small stones or twigs. This is also very important for elephants because elephants just love their feet.
With this science well learned we could perhaps wash as many elephants as we can queue them up. Good luck!
Note: Elephants are like people, I apologise. Plaease give me the opportunity to restate myself. People are like Elephants.
“

I’m laughing for the next ten mins non stop… ( my colleagues think I’m probably a freak anyways… so no questions… just those looks…)
Buzz him and tell him…. Its perfect… just perfect…
Except that… well no soap water is used…
He doesn’t believe it…. I guess it assaults his civilized senses to think that a bath is really possible without soap….
But that’s how it is… a Scrub .. a thorough one at that… behind ears and all…is what is needed.So when you are following the above instructions… they are perfect except..
No soap when you wash elephants…
Pls keep that in mind… it’s a really important detail.

People or elephants……you dont need soapy water... pond water is good enough for baptising...