The Battle of Me's

I sometimes wonder about this lump in my throat .. the one that comes up for apparantly no obvious reason... when I eat alu gobi, when i see mum on skype , when i stand in a really quite gurdwara, when i meet an old friend from the time when i was carefree , when i finish a trek and stand on top of the peak, when i see an ocean , see an abandoned animal and walk away from it, when i look into the mirror and see my eyes. I guess its abt the options at every step in life and how i did not have the courage to take the right ones. How now i have conditioned myself to be grown up- a fake laugh around new people to make them comfortable and silence around ppl who are known and familiar . Just someone who is shut mouth in the face fo conflict.Probably scared. Probably too grown up.

I dont want that lump.But its obvious who'll win.

A moment of standstill...

These moments of standstill between the hours of eternal running about, trying to be on time, sometimes failing, faltering... keeping commitments.. prioritising.. trying to get somewhere.. or get away...
Moments visited once in a while.. cherished till they last...
Promising yourself you'l get it all sorted out .. think over it all when these moments come.. if they do..
Once they come.. not wanting to move yourself to such monumental talk.. put it off.. over refrains of any "sunny came home.." .. put it off for a later, more suitable time..

Next time when I am rushing to or away ... will remind myself there's someone .. sitting in the corner chair of a cafe.. looking at me.. thinking of all this..

Trade off....

I wonder if it'd be better to be aware of the gnawing emptyness..intelligent awareness of the futility of it all.. the knwledge that the past and the future are nothing but probably just solitude... all throbbing with the same pain and hope.. of a release... or a possible combat..for some...

Or is it better to be blissfully ignorant..finding happiness in the mundane...breaking out into a smile with a fall of an autumn leaf... but not without fallouts... of being thought of as a fool..hearing sniggers behind the back... not just a figment of imagination... knowing.. the insulting looks in other's eyes... and being painfully aware of them..

I wonder about those who are neither of these.. truly blissfull... practicality they call..

and then the fate of those people... who are both... aware... and happy...
with every speck of it tainted...terribly so...